Toronto Maple Leafs: The Movie
Leafs-related news has slowed to a crawl during the final weeks of the offseason, and this year’s summer movie scene has been rather unspectacular. I propose a cure for both maladies: a hockey movie to fill the void of a puck-deprived offseason, complete with all the excitement of a sports flick and all the truculence of an action blockbuster.
And so, without further ado, here is the game-day casting call for your 2009-10 Toronto Maple Leafs.
A tip o’ the hat to Don over at Mondesi’s House for the inspiration.
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Forwards
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Notorious prankster Niklas Hagman will be played by comedian Jay Mohr.
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Mikhail Grabovski will be played by one of the hobbits from Lord Of The Rings (Dominic Monaghan)
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Jason Blake will be played by the other hobbit from Lord Of The Rings (Billy Boyd)
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Jiri Tlusty will be played by actor Jason Segal, with whom he has a couple things in common.
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Matt Stajan will be played by his long-lost twin, Ryan Phillipe.
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The towering Alexei Ponikarovski will be played the Jolly Green Giant.
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Nikolai Kulemin will be played by Giovanni Ribisi.
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John Mitchell will be played by The F-Bomb.
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Lee Stempniak will be played by Steve Guttenberg circa 1985.
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Tough guy Colton Orr will be played by WWE superstar Jon Cena.
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Vastly-underrated character player Wayne Primeau will be played by vastly-underrated character actor Liev Schreiber.
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Newly-signed Rickard Wallin will be played by comedian Harland Williams.
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Defence
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Team star Tomas Kaberle will be played by television star Zach Braff.
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Up-and-coming defender Luke Schenn will be played by up-and-coming actor Garrett Hedlund, whom some are beginning to suspect may have been adopted.
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This one’s been mentioned several times before, but could anyone play Mike Komisarek other than Greg Pitts of Office Space fame?
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Newly-minted Francois Beauchemin will be played by actor/comedian Bradley Cooper, who coincidentally is also making decent money for the first time in his career.
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Ian White will be played by Wendel Clark’s moustache.
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Mike Van Ryn will be played by Super Dave Osborne.
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Goal
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Trendy clothes-horse Vesa Toskala will be played by iconic fashion designer Calvin Klein.
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Management
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Head coach Ron Wilson will be played by the Principal from Billy Madison. Rumour has it Wilson used the “everyone in this room is now dumber” speech as inspiration for his infamous reaction to Howard Berger.
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Last but not least, the role of character-driven GM Brian Burke will be played by none other than legendary character actor Brian Dennehy.
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Sounds like a blockbuster to me. I can’t wait until Opening Night — can you?
garrettbauman@mapleleafshotstove.com
twitter.com/garrettbauman
September 4th, 2009 at 2:01 am
Jeff Finger will be played by actor Mark Ruffalo.
Garnet Exelby will be played by a wrecking ball.
September 4th, 2009 at 2:02 am
Howard Berger will be played by Damien Cox.
Damien Cox will be played by Howard Berger.
September 4th, 2009 at 2:21 am
Mats Sundin will be played by a RENTAL PLAYER
September 4th, 2009 at 2:31 am
Matt Damon was considered for Ponikarovsky’s role, but he was already committed to playing Tom Brady for the 2009 New England Patriots movie.
September 4th, 2009 at 7:47 am
Some of these are creepily similar… Especially Mike Pitts and Greg Komisarek. Dennehy would be the perfect Brian Burke, so long as Brian Burke is some near retired cop….
September 4th, 2009 at 8:23 am
Wayne Primeau and Liev Schreiber look nothing alike. If Liev Schreiber was going to play any NHL player in a movie, it would be Cody Hodgson of the Canucks.
September 4th, 2009 at 8:24 am
I have to admit though, I did ‘lol’ at some of them, like the Ian White comparison.
September 4th, 2009 at 8:32 am
Ron Wilson should be played by Kevin Spacey
September 4th, 2009 at 8:33 am
@Gerard…LOL
September 4th, 2009 at 8:33 am
This is amazing lol
September 4th, 2009 at 8:35 am
Mike White from school of rock to play Gustavsson
http://www.slashfilm.com/wp/wp-content/images/mike_white_1.jpg
September 4th, 2009 at 8:37 am
Frogren is Jesse James, just has to shave the mop
http://www.nbc.com/the-celebrity-apprentice/images/candidates/jesse_james.jpg
September 4th, 2009 at 8:41 am
Ok I never heard of most of these dudes and that’s ok.
But what the Hells a hobbit?
September 4th, 2009 at 8:45 am
^^ I’m going to go ahead and assume that you don’t read. Or that you don’t watch movies based on the most popular books of all time.
September 4th, 2009 at 8:48 am
The Kaberle one is perfect.
And the Super dave metion is awesome.
September 4th, 2009 at 8:49 am
Oh BTW:
Snots (Bob Woodward) talked to a source, Eklund (Deep Throat) and it is true that Burke (Richard Nixon) knew nothing about the break-in at Eddie Shacks (Sam Elliott) pig farm.
September 4th, 2009 at 9:14 am
Brian Murray could be played by Sylvester the Cat. Sthhhufferin Sthhhucitache!@
September 4th, 2009 at 9:44 am
Derrick Brassard extended…4 years
http://www.kuklaskorner.com/index.php/hockey/comments/derick_brassard_extended/
September 4th, 2009 at 9:44 am
alexei ponikarovsky will be played by nik antropov
matt stajan will be played by alex steen
September 4th, 2009 at 10:03 am
Only 2 more days till Leafs rookie tournament! Finally something of substance coming!
September 4th, 2009 at 10:13 am
@GB
“Jiri Tlusty will be played by actor Jason Segal, with whom he has a couple things in common.”
Haha, that was awesome. I’m wondering if anyone else caught that reference.
Ian White joke was good too.
September 4th, 2009 at 10:15 am
Was that two years ago Garrett? That thing with Jiri?
September 4th, 2009 at 10:19 am
@GB I don’t want to imagine Juri shaking his junk in the locker room….LOL
September 4th, 2009 at 10:20 am
*Jiri
September 4th, 2009 at 10:21 am
Haha Mike Komisarek played by the “O-Face” guy…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6UPR3OdroY
September 4th, 2009 at 10:23 am
Howard Berger will be played by Ron Wilson, just like he did in real life.
September 4th, 2009 at 10:29 am
did mitchell drop an F-Bomb in an interview that i didnt know about? otherwise im not getting that one.
September 4th, 2009 at 10:30 am
Matt Stajan played by:
http://leewochner.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/09/mr-bean.jpg
September 4th, 2009 at 10:43 am
@Trevor:
It was a couple of years ago, I think.
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@Joe:
Nah, the Mitchell thing refers to an on-ice incident that the blog world had a bit of fun with. While on the ice, Mitchell let out a stream of f-bombs which just so happened to be caught by the TV crews.
September 4th, 2009 at 11:09 am
as a twist, you can put Jacques Martin in the movie. he will be played by Steve Carell.
September 4th, 2009 at 11:11 am
lol…awesome blog!
September 4th, 2009 at 11:24 am
Jiri Tlusty walks in to Leafs dressing room, naked: “I’ve got a surprise for you”
September 4th, 2009 at 11:48 am
I thought that guy just mediated the contest.
The guy who looks like Newman, but isn’t Newman, was the principal.
Or maybe that guy actually was the High School Principal…
Either way, this is a guaranteed blockbuster.
Can I recommend Tom Selleck or Nietzsche to play Howard Berger?
September 4th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
Ray Romano should play Tomas Kaberle.
lmao great stuff, Garrett.