Talking Wounded: The Leafs’ Current Injury Situation

by Matt Mistele on October 14, 2011 in Toronto Truculent - 210 Comments

The Toronto Maple Leafs enjoyed a relatively injury-free training camp heading into the 2010-2011 season. Apparently, karma’s been waiting twelve months to deliver a shattering right cross of vengeance. We’ve poured over the countless Tweets, articles, and even contacted some unofficial sources to assemble the most comprehensive online report to date of the Leafs’ current injury situation.

Brace yourself. It’s worse than any of us could have imagined.

Player: Reimer, James
Condition: Rapid offseason weight loss
Cause: An intense nutritional regimen forbidding carbohydrate intake and relying solely on prairie foraging.
Symptoms: Increased speed and mental reflex; for example, believing he’d completed all his duties against Ottawa last Saturday in the first 50 minutes.
Treatment: Distancing himself from the Leafs’ traditional fast-paced mindsets and embracing revolutionary strategies like “Games are three full periods,” and, “A successful season actually lasts until mid-June.”

Player: MacArthur, Clarke
Condition: Infected elbow
Cause: Cut it open on Dion Phaneuf’s chiselled rib cage under his sweaty, bacteria-laden chest protector (while jabbing it into Dion’s side and saying “Eh? Eh?” every time the Leafs score on Ryan Miller’s cardboard cut-out during practice).
Symptoms: Barely noticeable to slight pain when pulling on long sleeved Under Armour®.
Treatment: Daily injections of penicillin directly into the joint. Administered by a doctor who, before this week, didn’t even know elbow infection was a real thing.

Player: Gunnarson, Carl
Condition: Swollen pride
Cause: Sudden elevation to the first defensive pair
Symptoms: Steadfast defensive play, consistent showcasing in all situations
Treatment: Unexpected packaging with Tyler Bozak in a trade for a first line centre, as every fake hockey rumour Twitter account wants you to believe right now.

Player: Grabovski, Mikhail and Kulemin, Nikolai
Condition: Separation anxiety
Cause: Having a chemistry-dependent linemate suspended for a hit that seemed considerably less dangerous than others that appeared far worse and received no supplementary discipline.
Symptoms: Confusion and disorientation when expecting to see Clarke MacArthur and, instead, turning to find Matt Frattin skating over a Nazem Kadri jersey and laughing maniacally.
Treatment: A homemade fruit basket delivered to Brendan Shanahan’s office featuring apples from Magnitogorsk and pears from Potsdam that are sprayed lightly – very lightly – with radioactive polonium.

Player: Orr, Colton
Condition: Indigestion
Cause: Nerves, having endured months of post-concussion rehab anticipating his next NHL fistfight domination.
Symptoms: Inability to stomach even one standard portion of ground ogre bones.
Treatment: Matt Carkner.

Player: Lombardi, Matthew
Condition: Amnesia
Cause: Sudden trauma to the head; common examples include serious concussion or being told you’ve been traded for Brett Lebda.
Symptoms: Overachievement; completely forgets he was the least likely of Toronto’s offseason acquisitions to play opening night and, instead, becomes the first to score.
Treatment: Surrounding himself with familiarity; Going from an offensively challenged team with solid goaltending and superior defense in Nashville to…actually, that treatment plan shouldn’t be a problem.

Player: Brown, Michael
Condition: Facial hypothermia
Cause: Shaving off a three-pound handlebar moustache.
Symptoms: Chattering teeth due to the sudden reduction in facial insulation, and a significant drop in fan mail
Treatment: Razor embargo.

Player: Kadri, Nazem
Condition: Mild MCL sprain
Cause: Throwing himself knee-first into the boards upon realizing Matt Frattin was going to make the team over him.
Symptoms: Difficulty moving, meaning he should definitely stay with the big club and their team of hot, young physiotherapists instead of going down to the Marlies, right? Right?
Treatment: One mildly subpar game from Frattin, timed to coincide with Kadri’s suspiciously quick healing.

Player: Connolly, Timothy
Condition: Perpetually poor.
Cause: Being Tim Connolly.
Symptoms: Difficulty convincing sensible NHL teams to sign him to a multi-year contract.
Treatment: Being the only other remotely qualified playmaking centre available in the same free agent class as Brad Richards.

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