The “Maple Leafs in March” Drinking Game

The “Maple Leafs in March” Drinking Game

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Photo: News Wire.ca

Another season is winding down with the Maple Leafs yet again on the outside of the playoff picture. The difference this season is that there was legitimate reason to actually think they could break the drought until around a month ago. Alas, a dreadful February has cost Ron Wilson his job and caused every Leaf fan to mutter the ever famous line, “there’s always next year.”

So let’s be honest, these last 15 games aren’t going to be fun to watch at all. At this point at least a small part of us is hoping they tank the rest of the way and get as high a draft pick as possible. We’re going to have to get through these games together.

With this in mind, I’ve put together a game to make the games go by faster, and to hopefully get your mind off of how bad things have gotten with the team. Things get to a point where eventually you have to give in and laugh about it. The Leafs have hit that point. The message boards have been a little salty over the last month, and while that’s understandable, it’s probably time to lighten up now.

* I felt obliged to say in no way am I supporting alcohol abuse and should you choose to try this game out, please do so responsibly. Also, if you’re drinking, make sure you aren’t driving afterward.

Now that I have peace of mind from saying that, without further ado:

Pick yourself up a case of beer, toss it in the fridge, and buckle up for game time. When one of the following things happens, drink the amount required.

One Gulp…
– The moment that you think about the fact that Tim Connolly is getting paid $4.75million to play here.
- Anytime Dion Phaneuf misses the net with a shot.
- Whenever Kessel tries to toe-drag a defenseman.
- When Clarke MacArthur does a drop pass, to the other team.
- When Kessel sets up Bozak for a scoring chance and he misses the the puck/net/doesn’t even know the puck’s coming altogether.
- Whenever a Leaf player throws a hit (trick drink! Nobody hits on this team).
- Whenever Dave Steckel loses a foot race.

Two Gulps…
– The moment that you think about the fact that Tim Connolly is getting paid $4.75million to play here next year as well.
- When Nikolai Kulemin passes up a shot in the slot so he can pass it to nobody.
- Whenever Randy Carlyle is shown yelling and/or angry. (It’s not his fault this season has gone down the drain. So take one gulp for yourself, and another for him).
- When Matt Lombardi is flying down the ice, skating as fast as he can, and does absolutely nothing with it. (Including but not limited to, not taking the puck hard to the net even though he’s already beat the defenseman, and shooting from the boards with Jason Blake-like precision).
- If you ever actually notice Joey Crabb out there.
- Anytime the commentators talk about how Carlyle’s going to put “defensive structure” into their game.

Three Gulps…
– Anytime Jay Rosehill has a shift (Trick drink! He doesn’t get shifts).
- When either Reimer or Gustavsson try to play the puck.
- Whenever the “Leafs” and “Playoffs” are said in the same sentence.
- Whenever Luke Schenn impersonates a pylon out there.
- Whenever Grabovski gets drilled.
- The next time Colby Armstrong gets hurt.

Chug half a beer…
– Whenever Mike Komisarek dresses.
- Whenever Cody Franson is a healthy scratch.
- When Ron Wilson’s name is mentioned or his face is shown during a broadcast.
- If Don Cherry talks about Mike Zigomanis ever again.
- If Don Cherry talks about Ontario boys on the Leafs ever again.

Chug a full beer…
– As soon as you find out Glen Healey, Jim Hughson and Craig Simpson are commentating the Leafs game on Saturday night (make sure you check, if it’s Bob Cole you should still probably chug a beer, but at least this way it’s in celebratory fashion).
- Anytime Doug MacLean starts talking about trading Phil Kessel for Rick Nash again.
- Whenever the Leafs give up a lead
- Eventually someone on this team will score on their own net. You now know what to do.
- The next Brian Burke excuse.

****Bonus drink: Drink however many beers you have left, as fast as you can, whenever either of the Leafs goalies let’s in a shot in overtime that would have otherwise missed the net completely.

Something omitted or you don’t like? Let’s hear it. We’re open to suggestions and adding/subtracting rules.

Anthony Petrielli has been writing Leafs Notebooks, also known as short stories, on MLHS since the beginning of the 2011 season. He'd rather let his work do the talking but Alec and Declan have been bugging him about writing a bio, so here it is. You can contact him at [email protected] or find him on Twitter at @APetrielli
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