The Toronto Maple Leafs enjoyed a relatively injury-free training camp heading into the 2010-2011 season. Apparently, karmaâ€™s been waiting twelve months to deliver a shattering right cross of vengeance. Weâ€™ve poured over the countless Tweets, articles, and even contacted some unofficial sources to assemble the most comprehensive online report to date of the Leafsâ€™ current injury situation.
Brace yourself. Itâ€™s worse than any of us could have imagined.
Player: Reimer, James
Condition: Rapid offseason weight loss
Cause: An intense nutritional regimen forbidding carbohydrate intake and relying solely on prairie foraging.
Symptoms: Increased speed and mental reflex; for example, believing heâ€™d completed all his duties against Ottawa last Saturday in the first 50 minutes.
Treatment: Distancing himself from the Leafsâ€™ traditional fast-paced mindsets and embracing revolutionary strategies like â€œGames are three full periods,â€ and, â€œA successful season actually lasts until mid-June.â€
Player: MacArthur, Clarke
Condition: Infected elbow
Cause: Cut it open on Dion Phaneufâ€™s chiselled rib cage under his sweaty, bacteria-laden chest protector (while jabbing it into Dionâ€™s side and saying â€œEh? Eh?â€ every time the Leafs score on Ryan Millerâ€™s cardboard cut-out during practice).
Symptoms: Barely noticeable to slight pain when pulling on long sleeved Under ArmourÂ®.
Treatment: Daily injections of penicillin directly into the joint. Administered by a doctor who, before this week, didnâ€™t even know elbow infection was a real thing.
Player: Gunnarson, Carl
Condition: Swollen pride
Cause: Sudden elevation to the first defensive pair
Symptoms: Steadfast defensive play, consistent showcasing in all situations
Treatment: Unexpected packaging with Tyler Bozak in a trade for a first line centre, as every fake hockey rumour Twitter account wants you to believe right now.
Player: Grabovski, Mikhail and Kulemin, Nikolai
Condition: Separation anxiety
Cause: Having a chemistry-dependent linemate suspended for a hit that seemed considerably less dangerous than others that appeared far worse and received no supplementary discipline.
Symptoms: Confusion and disorientation when expecting to see Clarke MacArthur and, instead, turning to find Matt Frattin skating over a Nazem Kadri jersey and laughing maniacally.
Treatment: A homemade fruit basket delivered to Brendan Shanahanâ€™s office featuring apples from Magnitogorsk and pears from Potsdam that are sprayed lightly â€“ very lightly â€“ with radioactive polonium.
Player: Orr, Colton
Cause: Nerves, having endured months of post-concussion rehab anticipating his next NHL fistfight domination.
Symptoms: Inability to stomach even one standard portion of ground ogre bones.
Treatment: Matt Carkner.
Player: Lombardi, Matthew
Cause: Sudden trauma to the head; common examples include serious concussion or being told youâ€™ve been traded for Brett Lebda.
Symptoms: Overachievement; completely forgets he was the least likely of Torontoâ€™s offseason acquisitions to play opening night and, instead, becomes the first to score.
Treatment: Surrounding himself with familiarity; Going from an offensively challenged team with solid goaltending and superior defense in Nashville to…actually, that treatment plan shouldnâ€™t be a problem.
Player: Brown, Michael
Condition: Facial hypothermia
Cause: Shaving off a three-pound handlebar moustache.
Symptoms: Chattering teeth due to the sudden reduction in facial insulation, and a significant drop in fan mail
Treatment: Razor embargo.
Player: Kadri, Nazem
Condition: Mild MCL sprain
Cause: Throwing himself knee-first into the boards upon realizing Matt Frattin was going to make the team over him.
Symptoms: Difficulty moving, meaning he should definitely stay with the big club and their team of hot, young physiotherapists instead of going down to the Marlies, right? Right?
Treatment: One mildly subpar game from Frattin, timed to coincide with Kadriâ€™s suspiciously quick healing.
Player: Connolly, Timothy
Condition: Perpetually poor.
Cause: Being Tim Connolly.
Symptoms: Difficulty convincing sensible NHL teams to sign him to a multi-year contract.
Treatment: Being the only other remotely qualified playmaking centre available in the same free agent class as Brad Richards.