Leafs-related news has slowed to a crawl during the final weeks of the offseason, and this year’s summer movie scene has been rather unspectacular. I propose a cure for both maladies: a hockey movie to fill the void of a puck-deprived offseason, complete with all the excitement of a sports flick and all the truculence of an action blockbuster.
And so, without further ado, here is the game-day casting call for your 2009-10 Toronto Maple Leafs.
A tip o’ the hat to Don over at Mondesi’s House for the inspiration.
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Forwards
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Notorious prankster Niklas Hagman will be played by comedian Jay Mohr.
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Mikhail Grabovski will be played by one of the hobbits from Lord Of The Rings (Dominic Monaghan)
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Jason Blake will be played by the other hobbit from Lord Of The Rings (Billy Boyd)
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Jiri Tlusty will be played by actor Jason Segal, with whom he has a couple things in common.
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Matt Stajan will be played by his long-lost twin, Ryan Phillipe.
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The towering Alexei Ponikarovski will be played the Jolly Green Giant.
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Nikolai Kulemin will be played by Giovanni Ribisi.
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John Mitchell will be played by The F-Bomb.
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Lee Stempniak will be played by Steve Guttenberg circa 1985.
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Tough guy Colton Orr will be played by WWE superstar Jon Cena.
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Vastly-underrated character player Wayne Primeau will be played by vastly-underrated character actor Liev Schreiber.
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Newly-signed Rickard Wallin will be played by comedian Harland Williams.
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Defence
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Team star Tomas Kaberle will be played by television star Zach Braff.
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Up-and-coming defender Luke Schenn will be played by up-and-coming actor Garrett Hedlund, whom some are beginning to suspect may have been adopted.
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This one’s been mentioned several times before, but could anyone play Mike Komisarek other than Greg Pitts of Office Space fame?
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Newly-minted Francois Beauchemin will be played by actor/comedian Bradley Cooper, who coincidentally is also making decent money for the first time in his career.
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Ian White will be played by Wendel Clark’s moustache.
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Mike Van Ryn will be played by Super Dave Osborne.
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Goal
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Trendy clothes-horse Vesa Toskala will be played by iconic fashion designer Calvin Klein.
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Management
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Head coach Ron Wilson will be played by the Principal from Billy Madison. Rumour has it Wilson used the “everyone in this room is now dumber” speech as inspiration for his infamous reaction to Howard Berger.
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Last but not least, the role of character-driven GM Brian Burke will be played by none other than legendary character actor Brian Dennehy.
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Sounds like a blockbuster to me. I can’t wait until Opening Night — can you?
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